Responding to the Tznius Brigade

This Shabbat (Saturday) we were visited by one of our liberal vegan friends. Being an airhead, I was not prepared despite having planned this days in advance. Specifically, we didn't have much vegan food, and we had promised the kids a trip to the nicest playground in walking distance - which is in a nearby chassidic neighborhood, where the typical non-orthodox Israeli style of dress is very much frowned on.

We got past the first issue thanks to our friend's willingness to make due with potatoes, strawberry ice and ice coffee.

As for the second, our friend came with us to the park, and when an older chassidic woman inevitably mentioned that "this is a religious neighborhood, and the way you are dressed is not appropriate," she very politely said, "Thanks for telling me."

(To be fair, I should note that it isn't just chassidic women who feel free to mention things to strangers here in Israel. Not by a long shot.)

With that the story was over - but it left me thinking, while "Thank you for telling me" is by far the most polite response to someone criticizing your clothing as immodest, aren't there so many things it would be more fun to say?

With that in mind, I would like to present a few alternate responses. (I would like to note in advance that I don't mean these to be anti-hareidi (hareidi = ultra orthodox). I know and like many hareidim, and I know that hareidi women, too, have to deal with comments on their clothing. So this list is for them, too.

Also, penguins are totally my favorite kind of bird.)

Responses for the Tznius Brigade:

“Oh, I’m sorry, is my shirt bothering you? I could take it off.”

“If you must know, I suffer from split personality disorder. My head and legs are religious, but my torso isn’t. Please don’t comment on it again, it upsets us to talk about it.”

“I actually had a long-sleeved black dress on over this until a few minutes ago, but then I saw a woman who was wearing just a bikini, so I gave it to her.”

“Oh, is this a religious neighborhood? I am so, so sorry, I didn’t realize. I left my glasses at home today, and I thought I was in the penguin exhibit.”

“My religion believes that it’s an abomination to wear more than one square meter of fabric’s worth of clothing in the summer months. I respect your beliefs; please try to respect mine.”

“Actually, I’m biologically male, so pants are OK. I asked my rabbi.”

“Oh! They told me you’d be here, but I was starting to worry! Let’s see, what was it… ‘The sea cucumber wakes at midnight.’” (Then when they respond, say, ‘No, no – the sea cucumber wakes at midnight.’ Complete with meaningful stare.)

“You know, I want to thank you for telling me that. I think it’s really important that people be honest with each other about these things, and not take offense. Since we’re on the same page here – I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but that shade of black makes you look like a whore.”

“You can see me? How can you see me??” (talk into invisible headpiece) “Yossi, the invisibility shield is down. I repeat, invisibility shield is down.”

Readers - if you have any more ideas, please add them in the comments.