Never listen to the lyrics

I have a confession: I've been listening to (bad) pop music. The reason why is pretty simple: I need to work out, and music with a beat helps that happen.

The thing is, while it always starts well - find song by pop artist so well known that even I've heard of them, play it, run -  at some point I accidentally set the volume too high, or start elliptical-ing too slowly, and before I know it, I've heard some of the lyrics.

And then, what with me being who I am, I can't hear the song again without my inner nerd (who is a separate, nerdier entity than my outer nerd (who is mostly just anti-social to the point of borderline misanthropic, which can easily be mistaken for nerdy by an outside observer)) cringing in horror.

TOP OFFENDERS:

In third place:

Rihanna's "Where have you been all my life."

This song actually isn't so bad. Repetitive, but OK.

One issue, of course, is the trouble in suspending disbelief when Rihanna sings about how she can't find a man to "love me all night long." If Rihanna can't find a man, the rest of us are in trouble.

My main problem with this song, though, is that for a while I kept hearing "Where have you been? / Cause I never see you out / Are you hiding from me, yeah? / Somewhere in the crowd"

as "Are you hiding from me, yeah? / Somewhere in the ground"

And now it always makes me think "noooo, Rihanna! Don't look for love underground! Sure, it sounds all sexy and romantic in my new teen romance about an ordinary girl and the brooding, mysterious zombie who loves her, but in real life it's a terrible idea!"

In second place:

Eminem (with Rihanna) "Love the Way you Lie"

This is a song about how sad it is when terrible, dysfunctional relationships come to an end.

That I could live with.

What I can't live with is Eminem singing "Now you get to watch her leave / Out the window / Guess that's why they call it window pane."

GAAAAAH!!!! NO!!! No, it isn't! Never say that again.

Is it just me, or is that line the lyrical equivalent of nails on a chalkboard? I find it hard to hear the beginning of the song, knowing that line is coming.

Also, this song forced me to face unpleasant truths about myself. Specifically, when I heard this line: "Cause when it's going good / It's going great / I'm Superman / With the wind at his back / She's Lois Lane."

and my immediate response was, "Well that's not a very good comparison. You don't even have to read the comics to know that Superman and Lois Lane have a complex and often difficult relationship."

Now how did I even know that? I don't know, but it disturbs me.

In first place:

Katy Perry's "Firework"

This song makes my sarcastic inner voice start up from the beginning. "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind / Wanting to start again"

Is that, like, a known inner desire of plastic bags?

"Do you ever feel already buried deep / Six feet under scream / But no one seems to hear a thing"

The good news is that if you do feel this way, you probably won't be feeling this way for very long.

"If you only knew what the future holds / After a hurricane comes a rainbow"

I'm sure that's very comforting to the people who lost their homes and loved ones in the hurricane. Or would be, if it were at all true.

"Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow"

I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure this isn't something to look forward to.

"Boom, boom, boom / Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon"

Even brighter than the moon - an orbiting chunk of rock which gives off zero light of its own.

***

But I shouldn't mock this song. It has a very positive message for young people. No matter how terrible your problems are - whether you're a kid with cancer, or a kid whose parents have awful fights, or are currently being mugged, or if you're gay and afraid how people will take it, or even if you're overweight - there's still hope!  (I tease, but I bet a disturbingly high number of teen girls would prefer one of the other problems to "fat")

The solutions to the above problems, btw, if I understood the Firework video:
- Wander aimlessly around the hospital
- Intervene in your parents' physical fight (what could go wrong?)
- Be a magician (nobody appreciates whimsy like gangs of violent criminals)
- PDA
- Cannonball