Consider Yourself Warned - C - Changing Diapers

Dear readers. It is almost one in the morning. But I am awake, and posting, so that you can get important baby-related warnings. I am truly selfless.

Feel free to show your gratitude in the form of cash presents.

Today's warning - babies are physics-defying wonders, and that makes changing their diapers really hard.

See, babies look like real people, just smaller. But it turns out they have a number of special qualities. One of these is that, in the first couple months of their lives, very few of the laws of science apply to them.

For instance, each of a newborn baby's eyes can basically roll in any direction, at any time, with no connection to what the other eye is doing. That might sound harmless enough. It doesn't look so harmless when you're a new parent to a brand-new shrieking infant with EYES ROLLING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.

If one wasn't prepared, one could, in theory, find oneself desperately wondering where a nice Jewish girl is supposed to go to get an exorcism done.

This same general idea extends to baby poop. Any individual poop molecule can go anywhere, regardless of where the other poop went or didn't go. You can pick up your adorable newborn, feel wet baby poop against your skin and realize that you're going to have to change yet another diaper blow-out, strip the baby of its poopy top layer of clothing, strip the baby of its poopy bottom layer of clothing, take off the diaper and - there's no poop in the diaper.

How the &#$% is there no poop in the diaper? What sorcery is this?

As your baby grows, it gradually must learn to obey the laws of nature like the rest of us.

But just as things are settling down, and the poop is staying in the diaper more and more frequently, you encounter a new craziness: your normal baby, during routine diaper changes, starts turning into Baby Escape Ninja.

You lay the baby down, remove its clothing, take off the diaper - and suddenly your child is transformed into some kind of superhero with a talent for writhing and a desperate, all-encompassing need to be anywhere else, RIGHT NOW. Even if that means falling head-first off the changing table.

Note: this will always happen at some point between starting to remove the dirty diaper, and successfully putting on a clean one. There is something about the feeling of fresh air on their tushies that makes babies think, "This would be an awesome time to practice every type of physical movement my body is capable of."

So be warned. Never, ever try to change a baby's diaper without one hand firmly on their ankle. The other hand, for the record, should be hovering over a pre-prepared pile of wet wipes, ready to grab one and start frantically wiping as soon as the child's body completes its next 360-degree rotation and the tushie comes back into view.

And take comfort. At least this problem falls into the category of "things your kid will hopefully eventually outgrow." More on that later.