This week I decided to show appreciation for my readers. I was going to show my appreciation by sharing some valuable housekeeping tips, but then I realized I don't have any.
So instead, I'm going to share some valuable tips on fake housekeeping. I'm much better at that. So here it is,
How to pass as a domestic goddess:
1. If you bake cookies, burn some of them. Then it looks like you made two different kinds of cookies.
2. Does your baby eat dirt off the floor? Technically that's homemade AND organic. Feel free to use phrases like, "Oh yes, I try to make the baby's food at home. You can really taste the difference."
3. Some people cover their furniture to protect it from the kids. This is a mistake. The cover just gets dirty and starts to look bad. Instead, keep a clean cover around to throw over your sofas if guests stop by.
4. Remember the following words and phrases: ergonomic, authentic,
retro, improving the feng shui. Use them if guests question the
shape/texture/absence of your furniture or other belongings.
5. Did you learn another language in high school? Use it to describe your surroundings and any food you serve. Doesn't "in the authentic Sucio style" sound better than "dirty"? Doesn't "algo del congelador" sound much more appetizing than "some crap from the freezer"?
Warning: may not work with non-romance languages. Definitely doesn't work with German.
6. To keep your counters and stovetop sparkling clean, don't cook. Bonus: your kids are unlikely to mind.
7. If for some reason you are caught with a filthy house, there's always the classic slacker solution: lying.
try playing sick:
or if you think you can pull it off:
So instead, I'm going to share some valuable tips on fake housekeeping. I'm much better at that. So here it is,
How to pass as a domestic goddess:
1. If you bake cookies, burn some of them. Then it looks like you made two different kinds of cookies.
2. Does your baby eat dirt off the floor? Technically that's homemade AND organic. Feel free to use phrases like, "Oh yes, I try to make the baby's food at home. You can really taste the difference."
3. Some people cover their furniture to protect it from the kids. This is a mistake. The cover just gets dirty and starts to look bad. Instead, keep a clean cover around to throw over your sofas if guests stop by.
5. Did you learn another language in high school? Use it to describe your surroundings and any food you serve. Doesn't "in the authentic Sucio style" sound better than "dirty"? Doesn't "algo del congelador" sound much more appetizing than "some crap from the freezer"?
Warning: may not work with non-romance languages. Definitely doesn't work with German.
6. To keep your counters and stovetop sparkling clean, don't cook. Bonus: your kids are unlikely to mind.
7. If for some reason you are caught with a filthy house, there's always the classic slacker solution: lying.
try playing sick:
or if you think you can pull it off:
I'm going to try the "I'm my sister" line.
ReplyDeleteWow, you look just like me too! Crazy how these things happen....
ReplyDeleteHaha...the "I've been sick for a few years" excuse reminds me of how I still blame my weight gain on Mark (who was born in '69). Screw housework...reading Curious George is so much more fun...or not!
ReplyDeleteI can't find Curious George! We still have Curious George Goes to the Hospital, Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory, and a few others, but I can't find Curious George's Birthday.
ReplyDeleteIt only took me a couple of hours to start missing it. D wants THE Curious George story and she's not happy that I keep trying to placate her with inferior substitutes.
(But Ali, how could anything get lost in a house as clean as yours? I know, it baffled me too.)