Quiz: Are you a parent?

Being a parent usually has some noticeable symptoms, like all of your money disappearing, memories of tiny human beings exiting your body, and a bunch of kids going around calling you "Mom." But those could also be signs of a tapeworm in your bank account, alien abduction, and a long-running practical joke. So how do you know if you're really a parent? Take my quiz and find out.

1. How much coffee do you drink in a day?

a. Four cups.

b. I switched to herbal tea last year, and I feel much better.

c. One cup, reheated four times.

2. You dream of traveling to:

a. The Amazon.

b. The beach.

c. The Starbucks down the street.

3. The best way to deal with a teething baby is:

a. Enjoy the fact that it’s not yours.

b. Teething gel.

c. Half a bottle of vodka – oh wait, did you mean for the baby?

4. When your significant other comes in the door, you greet him/her with:

a. "Hey babe."

b. "Hi honey."

c. "Shoot me."

5. (For women (my apologizes to any gender-stereotype-defying male readers.)): Why do you wear makeup?

a. To attract men.

b. So that other women won’t think I’m ugly.

c. So that it will look like I slept more than five hours last night.

6. When was the last time you did drugs?

a. Why are you asking? What are you, a cop?

b. I don’t do drugs.

c. Yesterday, one bottle of baby aspirin. And no, it wasn’t enough.

7. When was the last time you were peed on?

a. I’d rather not say. Unless you’re saying you’re into that kind of thing.

b. Peed on??? Eeeeewwww.

c. Hard to say, it all kind of blends together.

8. What do you like to do in your spare time?

a. You know – hiking, surfing, hanging with friends. The usual.

b. Interior decorating.

c. Ahahahahaha *sob*

9. What phrase would someone most likely overhear at your dinner table?

a. "So who’s up for a party tonight?"

b. "So how do you think the tax cuts will influence the stock market?"

c.  "GET THAT OUT OF YOUR NOSTRIL RIGHT NOW!!! And go put pants on!"

Mostly As: You appear to be child free. I pity you. And envy you. But I wouldn’t want to be you. Except maybe for like, just a day, just for old times’ sake. Or a week.

Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we traded places, just for two weeks? You know, you could get to experience parenting and I… what? No? That wouldn’t be cool?

How about one week?

I’ll give you some time to think about it.

Mostly Bs: You’re either pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or wasting what could be some of the craziest years of your life.

Mostly Cs: You’re definitely a parent. I’d say more, but there’s a 99% chance that in the last five minutes you were called off to deal with some child-related emergency and you aren’t reading this anymore anyway.