My usual excuses are worthless here

Having five kids is a good excuse for almost everything.

House messy? Well, of course it is, I have five kids.

Not super involved in the community? Well, I do have five kids to take care of.

Finished my Bachelor's at age 34? Well, OK, but I have five kids. Really, it's impressive that I finished at all ("but Ali, didn't you start, like, 7 years before your first child was b- " "Five. Kids.")

But having five kids is not a good excuse as to why I completely stopped updating my blog that was/is all about my kids. As a friend recently reminded me, "Just record whatever they say."

(It's also not a great excuse for slacking at work, because there's a woman in my department who has a PhD and whose job is way more impressive than my job and who is pregnant with her sixth. Not that I'm jealous or anything; my readjusted Life Goal has been "make the top 50% look good by comparison" for quite some time now).

Anyway. The point is - there's no excuse for neglecting a blog for over two years. Or at least, none that I could make with a straight face. All the good excuses - say, "I got super busy with work and school" - would work a lot better coming from someone who hasn't been making as extensive use of her Netflix subscription as I have.

So how are the kids?

Adi is 11. She wants a cat very, very badly. There are probably other things happening in her life, too, but the cat thing is the only thing she's in the mood to tell me about.

N just turned 10. (Adi was not pleased. "If I'm 11 and she's 10, that makes it sound like she's almost my age! I know, if someone asks me her age, I'll just say 'she's in fourth grade,' then it sounds like we're two years apart"). She likes singing, and is remarkably well behaved. Basically, she got her personality from the other side of the family.

D is 8. When I last posted, she was in first grade. So how has school been going, for a child with D's... let's say "spirited" personality?
Ahahahahaha. *sobs*
Seriously, though - she can read, she can do math, and she even knows all kinds of stuff about the Bible that I never learned. So she's doing fine in my book.

S is 6. She did eventually get speech therapy. It helped. She likes anything by Disney.

E is 4. He also got speech therapy. So we're 3 for 5 so far, and for three entirely different reasons. D had hearing trouble that led to trouble pronouncing certain letters; S had memory retrieval issues; and E has general communication issues. Or more - the world has trouble communicating with him. He, for his part, is perfectly happy sitting in the corner and playing with his dinosaurs.

And hey look! That last line reminded me of a child-related story, which I will share as my first step toward blogging again:

About a year ago, the kids and I were hanging out at a friend's house. E was playing with some of their toys - a stuffed puppy, and a toy baby carriage. He had the puppy in the carriage, and was rocking it gently and humming.

I practically melted. Awwww. Sure, he tends to fit all the boy stereotypes - all sticks are actually swords, trucks are the most amazing thing in creation, etc - but he has a sweet, nurturing side too.

And then he pulled out a dinosaur toy, which proceeded to eat the toy puppy with great gusto (I believe "AHM NAHM NAHM" were the exact sounds...)

So much for nurturing. 

Recent lines from my kids:

"Mom, I'm not being pointlessly cruel to my sisters! It's a scientific experiment."

"It's too bad that there's only one [sister]. Because if there were more than one, I could destroy a few of them, and we'd still have one left."

"NOBODY CAN BE HERE BUT ME!! Oh, and Eitan. People under age three don't count as people."

Ahh, sisterly love.

I'm special

Four years ago, I got a nasty cough in November that lasted for two months. Three years ago, I got a nasty cough in November that lasted for two months. Two years ago, same deal, last year, same deal, this year it was three months.

So finally, finally this year I went in for allergy testing and... nothing. I have no allergies (except for my long-time allergy to mangoes, which must at least make the top 10 list for "random stupid things it's apparently possible to be allergic to").

On the one hand, this is kind of annoying. For the past few years I've been telling myself each year "meh, probably just allergies, I'll deal with it someday." Now I have to face the fact that apparently my body just can't handle winter.

On the other hand - IN YOUR FACE, SNAN!!!!

Guys. Snan and I each have our individual talents. She's into education, I'm into politics. She learned Latin, I learned Hebrew. She has a large and diverse group of friends, I have close friendships with... let's go with "a very very exclusive group."

But Snan has been better than me at anything physical since roughly the time she was born. Seriously, I wasn't even born breathing. She had me beat right out the gate. It continued with crawling (I never did manage that one), riding a bike (she learned in three hours, I picked up the same skill over the course of three years), and basically anything that requires more coordination than does sitting on a couch.

And now, just maybe, there's one physical thing that I'm a bit better at. Sure, I can't row boats, or climb up a rope, or run marathons (my motto used to be "I'll only run if something's chasing me," but then I realized that if I'm being chased by something that wants  to kill me, running will only ensure that the last few seconds of my life are extra miserable. So now my motto is just "no running."). Or do pushups. Or walk without walking into door frames.

But I can breath around cats. And for right now, that's enough to make me feel special.

I don't pay my babysitter enough

Today my kids were walking home with the babysitter, when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and saw one of my kids, who will remain anonymous (hah!), standing there alone.

Child: I ran away from Babysitter, because she was mean to me.
Me: You ran away?? Does she know where you are?
Child: I dunno. But they were being mean!
Me: Who was mean?
Child:
Me: You can't run away, it's not safe.
(in the meantime, babysitter arrives)
Me (to babysitter: Child was just telling me that she ran away because her feelings were hurt.
Babysitter: Aww, I'm sorry. Who hurt your feelings?
Child: You did.
Babysitter: Why, what did I say?
Child: You yelled at me.
Babysitter: What, when I said you're not allowed to hide from me?
Child: Yes, but not just that.
Me: Child, you really aren't allowed to hide from her.
Babysitter: Was it when I told you you're not allowed to play with the elevator, because [the museum staff] don't allow it?
Child: No. It was when you said I couldn't go into the road!
Babysitter: Oh, when I said you couldn't go into the road alone?
Child: Yes!

... as you can see, Child has a tough life. As does Babysitter, when she's here.

And now, off to say an extra prayer for this kid to reach adulthood, preferably with all her limbs still attached to her body. And to talk to Viggy about giving Babysitter a bonus.

Happy birthday to Snan!!

So I've been the laziest of lazy people when it comes to updating this blog, but I've been pulled out of semi-blog-retirement by the BIRTHDAY OF THE BEST LITTLE SISTER EVAR!!!!!!!!

In honor of Snan's birthday (which I think we should all agree to refer to as Snanday), a brief birthday-themed round of....

Snan and Alirsnan:

Snan realizes that once you hit a certain age, you don't need to be overly precise about your age

Alirsnan just plain doesn't remember.

Snan knows that making a delicious birthday cake is simple. Just find a good recipe, and follow it!

Alirsnan still struggles.












But Snan and Alirsnan have this in common: both like to look at the positive side of their current age.

College

Does anyone else think that society is really weird about college?

Like, if an acquaintance ran into me and asked what I've been up to, and I said, "Oh, I've quit work, and instead I'm spending several hours a day - and over 1,000 shekels a month - learning to juggle," they'd be like, "Wow. Ali's turned into a juggling-obsessed loon. I hope it's not catching."

But if I said, "Oh, I've quit work, and instead I'm spending several hours a day - and over 1,000 shekels a month - taking classes at university, where I learn things like how to calculate the value of cosine at inconvenient points without a calculator (in a mere 20 minutes)" people are like "Oh! How nice!" In fact, the only possible criticism seems to be "why are you only doing this now?"

Of course, there's a difference between those two situations. Juggling can get you jobs entertaining children at birthday parties.

All about S

Conversations with S. All real, all from the past two days:

(S and I stop at a friend's house)

Me: S, let's leave the stroller out here. We'll be back out in a minute.

S: OK. *glares at nearby snail* But that snail had better not take it.

***

(On the way home)

S: *rips handful of leaves off of random plant, offers them to me* Mommy, for you!!

Me: Thanks, sweetie, but it's not nice to rip the leaves off of plants. Plants need their leaves.

S: *thinks*

S: *picks up filthy bottle cap that has fallen from nearby overflowing dumpster, offers it to me* Mommy, for you!!

***

Me: S, do you want this with ketchup?

S: Without ketchup.

Me: OK.

S: Without ketchup!

Me: OK! No ketchup.

S: I said without ketchup!!!

Me: I didn't give you any ketchup!

Me: ... wait, when you say "without ketchup," do you mean "yes ketchup"?

S: Yes ketchup.

Me: *gives ketchup*

S: Bananas aren't allowed to have this.

S: *giggles to herself*

***

(We pass a random child walking with her father. Total strangers.)

S: Mommy, look! *turns to girl* You're a sweet potato chocolate banana!!

Me: S! That's not nice, you'll hurt her feelings.

S: But she is a banana chocolate.

(this was a bit of a tricky one, because "banana chocolate" is really not an insult. I went with telling her that we don't use words to hurt people's feelings. I was rewarded with a Look of Ultimate Betrayal, which is usually a good sign when it comes to discipline)

***

S: Mommy, can Moshe come to play? *pause* I won't hit him.

***

Reasons S has gone into full-on hysterical sobbing in the past week:

- because I handed her the gray spoon, not the blue spoon

- because daddy went to work. This has only happened nearly every day since S was born, so naturally, she hasn't quite had time to adjust yet.

- because she wanted to play with her friend Odeliyah (at night).

- because "I didn't want" (????)

note: list is not comprehensive

***

Things S is very good at:

- jumping like a frog

- running in circles

- greeting people she loves with complete, overwhelming enthusiasm

- being adorable

Parenting... success?

A while back, someone showed up at the playground with a dog, and my kids got terrified. I don't understand how that whole thing started. Dog phobia seems to be contagious.

Anyway. Adi got over it pretty fast, because a girl who thinks baby cockroaches (!!) are cute can hardly be expected to resist the cuteness of a puppy. I decided to use it as a learning opportunity by teaching the other kids not to be afraid of dogs by having them come sit near the dog and pet it.

Later, N and I discussed the incident:
N: "At first I thought the dog was really scary! But then I petted him, and I learned that really, he was really really really really... scary."

So much for my attempts at amateur therapy.
*****

Amateur speech therapy has been a fail, too. This is me and S over the past couple of weeks:

Me: "The word 'achot' has a *ch* sound in it. Can you say *ch*?"
S: "Ccchhhh"
Me: "Can you say *ach*?"
S: "Ach!"
Me: "Great! Can you say 'achot'?"
S: "Atot!"
Me: "Achot."
S: "I said atot!"

I think it's going to be worth going through the whole speech therapy process again just to have someone else be the one to deal with my 3-year-old.

Speaking of, D can talk really well now. Not that she always chooses to.
*****

I have been fairly successful at Passover cleaning this year.

Passover cleaning involves making sure there are no leavened-grain food products around the house, and making sure there are no crumbs of leavened food that could get into food on Passover. So, in an already-clean house, sweeping the floors and wiping down the fridge, counters, cabinets and oven with a soapy sponge (plus kashering, but whatever).

In our house, it means looking absolutely everywhere, because the weirdest foods are in the weirdest places. So far I found candy under the bed in the playroom, cheerios under my bed, a cereal bar inside my bed, and a jar of tehina in my closet. Oh, and cornflakes in every drawer in the children's rooms and playroom, naturally.

Anyway. The part that makes me feel like a housekeeping success is that the oven, cabinets, freezer and fridge are already clean, and I have, like, two and a half whole days to go until Passover. I'm getting things done super early this year.

The part that makes me feel less like a housekeeping success is that shutting down the kitchen for three days so that I could slowly clean it (an hour at a time, at night, with the kids in bed) has not affected my cooking habits in the slightest.

Post-election thoughts

OK so first a story - I was just going through Adi's backpack (in a futile search for missing glasses) and found a drawing of three girls playing a game. On the drawing she had written "for illustrative purposes only."

***

And now for thoughts on the elections.

First of all - I guessed wrong, clearly, although I was close on some things. Mostly I thought the hareidi vote would split, with some Gimmel voters going to Yachad, but that didn't really happen, and I didn't predict the move of 4-5 seats from Jewish Home to Likud.

Second - ever since it became overwhelmingly clear that Netanyahu won, there have been a bunch of articles and facebook posts predicting racism, war-mongering, and all other kinds of doom and gloom. So just to clarify:

- people who vote for the political right generally don't hate Arabs. Really! OK, you guys here probably didn't need to be told that, but it's ridiculous how many people do need to be told that.

Actually, I know Arab Jews (aka Sephardi/Mizrachi Jews) who vote for right-wing parties and say they think left-wing voters tend to be racist against Arabs. Something that I don't think is true - just pointing out that this whole my-opponents-are-bad-people thing goes both ways.

- Netanyahu allegedly said on the day of elections that he won't agree to a Palestinian state. So just for the record - absolutely no one who voted for him thought that was a real thing. It was obvious that Netanyahu will continue his generic approach of encouraging peace talks while remaining highly skeptical that the Palestinian Authority genuinely wants peace. It's what he's always done. It's what he  confirmed immediately after the elections that he plans to keep doing.

- This whole thing about "Obama didn't call Netanyahu yet because he HATES ISRAEL" is beyond ridiculous. But who could miss yet another opportunity for media hysteria over Obama and Israel?

***

And now, to continue searching for children's missing things. Wish me luck in not stumbling across anything too gross in the recesses of their backpacks and under-bed and -cubby spaces.

Predictions

Oops, gotta guess now or it will be too late.

OK.

Likud - 23

Cachlon - 13

Shas - 7

Gimmel - 6

Yachad - 5

Meretz - 5

Arab list - 14

Jewish Home - 12

Yesh Atid - 9

Livni/Herzog - 26

If I'd guessed this morning I would have given Cachlon, the Arab list, and Livni-Herzog fewer seats, and Lieberman 4-5 seats. But after seeing the low voter turnout where I live... Given my location, if Lieberman isn't getting a lot of votes here, I don't see him getting enough votes anywhere.

Elections (or: why we are screwed)

So. It's elections day here in Israel, and I don't want to vote for anyone.

A rundown of the parties that currently have a realistic chance of making it into Knesset:

Yesh Atid
Yesh Atid was the big "elections surprise" party of the last elections. (Israel usually has at least one new party that does surprisingly well, because we're always hoping that this time we'll finally find someone better than the usual bunch of idiots. We are always disappointed.)

It's overall liberal on social issues, centrist on diplomacy, and confused on the economy (other than a strong desire for things to be better than they are now, there doesn't seem to be much of a clear viewpoint).

Pros: Has goals that nearly everyone can support. Who doesn't want a better economy, cheaper housing, and a more equitable distribution of military service?

Cons: Has plans that nearly everyone can see make no sense. Forcing hareidim to serve in the army - how is that going to work, exactly? Wouldn't reducing the tax on purchasing a new apartment just increase demand without increasing supply and thus exacerbate the housing crisis?

Meretz
Meretz is liberal on social issues, socialist re: the economy, and left-wing on diplomacy.

Pros: Is faithful to its ideological platform.

Cons: Is faithful to its ideological platform primarily because it is never in the coalition. Personally, if I had to choose between "uncompromising" and "actually got something done," I'd choose the latter. (Meretz's "list of accomplishments" it was handing out before the elections included almost exclusively issues that Meretz "worked for" or "supported," rather than "did.")


Shas/Gimmel:
The two hareidi (ultra-orthodox) parties. There are differences between them, primarily that Shas has schools that are somewhat religiously mainstream and are used by non-hareidi families, while Gimmel does not.

Wait, political parties with affiliated school systems? Oh yes. And that's basically the point of these parties - they exist to trade Coalition support for funding for their communities.

Pros: Both are very strong on promoting social welfare and alleviating poverty.

Cons: To paraphrase Eretz Nehederet (a satirical TV show): Shas cares for the poor. Shas cares for the children who go to bed hungry, wake up hungry, and go to Shas schools, where they get an education that will keep them hungry.

In other words: Shas and Gimmel want to help the poor, but in a way that doesn't involve teaching secular subjects (like math and science) in boys' schools, reducing the birthrate, internet use, or employment in non-hareidi workplaces. So... yeah.

Machane Hatzioni (aka Livni and Herzog):
Center-left party made of the Labor party combined with Tzipi Livni, who has shown a truly admirable (/terrifying) ability to survive political failures. Will probably get the most votes. Will probably not be able to assemble a coalition.

Pros: Is not Bibi.

Cons: The only thing they could think to base the campaign on was their non-Bibi-ness. How bad do you have to get to get the point where "at least we're not that guy" is the only point in your favor?

Also, I went to see them speak and I don't think their diplomatic or economic platforms make much sense. Re: diplomacy, the plan is roughly that Livni will talk with Abbas, as she's done before, but this time it will be better. Why better? Because the Americans support Livni more than Bibi. Think how ironic that would be if true - if Israel and the PA couldn't make peace because the pro-peace America didn't think Bibi wanted peace enough.

Re: the economy, the idea is that they government will stop spending roughly 10 million shekels per year on settlement in the west bank, and this will somehow give it the 100 billion it would need to overhaul the school system and the health system, build new public housing, and relocate 100,000 Israelis from the west bank.

I know that politicians are usually (deliberately) bad at math, but Herzog acts like math killed his puppy when he was a kid.

Likud (aka Bibi):
Center-right party made up of Binyamin Netanyahu and I guess probably some other people too. Has been in charge of the government for the past few years.

Pros: Has made some progress on reducing cost of living through increased economic competition, has reduced the cost of childcare, did not totally screw up on security.

Cons: Is Bibi. Also, did not fix housing crisis or even make it the tiniest bit better.

Yachad:
A bizarre mix of former Shas members and far-right Jewish nationalists. Stands a good chance of passing the voting threshold.

Pros: Ex-Shas MKs will care for poor, far-right Jewish nationalists would be faithful to their ideology.

Cons: Ex-Shas MKs - see Shas/Gimmel. Far-right Jewish nationalists would be faithful to their ideology.

Yisrael Beiteinu (aka Lieberman):
Right-wing on diplomacy and economy, liberal on religious/secular issues. Headed by Russian immigrant Avigdor Lieberman, who is like a cross between Likud, Yesh Atid, and Darth Vader.

Pros: is sensitive to issues facing immigrants, who are a large percent of the population.

Cons: seriously, Lieberman's not even trying to not look like a terrifying fascist. (Technically that's a pro if you, like me, want your Knesset to have a bit of entertainment value. But I'd rather they stay a small party.)

Bayit Yehudi (Jewish Home):
A mix of modern-orthodox Jews (those are the ones who serve in the army, go to university, and believe God doesn't want them to drive on Shabbat but is OK with men and women conversing) and a couple of token right-wing secular Jews. Is right-wing on diplomacy, supports a free market economy with some social welfare programs, is conservative on social issues (eg. public transport on Shabbat, gay marriage).

Pros: Has decent ideas re: fixing the housing crisis, has decent voting record on social welfare and education-related issues, will not waste human lives by releasing murderers in a futile attempt to restart peace talks.

Cons: Diplomatic platform seems to be as follows: 1. No land concessions to Palestinians, 2. Magic happens here, 3. Everything is awesome.
There's a happy grey area between "I would do anything for peace, including things likely to cause further bloodshed" and "I would do nothing for peace," and Bayit Yehudi doesn't seem to be there yet.

Arab list:
A combination of Arab parties, including the Arab-Jewish communist party Hadash, the Islamic Movement (which still refers to Israel as "inner Palestine"), and Balad (a secular nationalist party founded by Azmi Bishara, who fled the country a few years ago after allegedly spying for Hezbollah).

Pros: Headed by Ayman Odeh, a charismatic leader with a very reasonable list of objectives. Will probably get lots of seats and remind Israel's government that Arab citizens exist and also need stuff.

Cons: Includes several members whose views range from pro-terrorist to openly-fascist. Most members will refuse to serve in any coalition ever for ideological reasons, making them basically seat filler (with occasional entertainment value).

Cachlon:
OK, this party has a real name, I think, but I forget what it is. It's the Moshe Cachlon party. Cachlon is ex-Likud, and is basically running on Yesh Atid's platform from 2 years ago, but without the controversial bits.

Cachlon's plan seems to involve saying as little as possible, and getting tons of votes anyway just because he's new and shiny. It will probably work.

Pros: Is new and shiny.

Cons: Will inevitably disappoint.

***

I think that's it. I'll post my predictions later.

Understanding N

D used to be hard to understand, because she couldn't make consonant sounds using the front of her mouth (t, d, sh, etc). Now, thanks to speech therapy and improved hearing, she's usually easier to interpret.

S is a little hard to understand, because she has trouble with consonant sounds that use the back of the mouth (k, that gutteral "ch" that Hebrew is so fond of). She's still young and hopefully this will resolve itself without speech therapy.

And N is hard to understand because it turns out that sometimes, making all the right sounds just isn't enough.

See if you can interpret the following:

(on what she wants to dress us as for Purim):
"The one where the girl turns the teddy bear into... you know."

(on a movie she saw):
"It's the one where the ball goes into his tummy, but then he does *pantomimes vomiting* and it goes in his hand!"



give up? The correct answers are: 1. Belle from the movie Beauty and the Beast, 2. the first Harry Potter story (Harry Potter and the Almost-Swallowed Snitch, apparently).

It's not like she says these things as part of a full explanation. "We have to bring a thing to school for the thing" is the whole explanation.

Fortunately, or maybe not so fortunately, her sisters seem to understand her just fine. It took A less than 10 seconds to figure out statement #1.

I foresee a future of listening to them talk about the time they did that thing at that other thing, while they all nod and smile and I just sit there being confused.

snails

Adi told me today that school is boring.

I suggested that she try reading a book under her desk.

She said that she and her friend already have a way to sneak in entertainment:

"We bring in snails, and we put them under a leaf so that it looks like we're bringing in leaves, and then when the teacher says 'no leaves in the classroom' we throw them away and put the snails into Tamar's pockets."

Unsurprisingly, it turns out that undergoing an unnecessarily complicated transport procedure that ends in a 9-year-old's pocket is not beneficial to snail longevity.

"Two of the snails were squished. But two lived."

They will not be doing this again, because Adi loves snails and does not want to see them squished (I entirely approve, of course. Snails are basically slugs with armor, therefore, awesome. (The part where she thinks "baby" cockroaches are cute is a different story)). I was just proud to hear that she's found creative ways to deal with boredom in school.

And now I have to do my part, namely, go to school and find out what they're planning to do to stop boring my daughter. At the very least they should have a collection of interesting books for under-desk reading.

****

D had a birthday party today. D had an actual birthday over a month ago. Don't judge, OK? I've been busy. And we totally celebrated on her birthday; this was the "friends party."

Cake was eaten, balloons were accidentally popped, and colorful sand from many art projects was embedded in the crevices of our living room floor. So - good party.

By the end of the (not-quite-2-hour) party, the older kids were playing on the computer, D's D-aged friends were all sitting around the table doing "art," and D herself was sitting alone on the floor playing happily with a Playmobile set and muttering softly to herself. So basically, exactly how you'd expect things to end, if you know her. (She rejoined the group when it was time to hand out party treats.)

****

Can I just point out that I managed to get through a whole post without complaining about studying even once? Now I get to write a whole post that's only complaining. 

D and Hello Kitty

Two weeks ago, a store that's located between our house and D's kindergarten put four large Hello Kitty dolls in its front window.

D was, to put it mildly, excited.

(I'm too lazy to make a picture, so you'll just have to imagine a skinny five-year-old with several pigtails pressing herself onto a storefront window, arms outstretched, trying to... show Hello Kitty her devotion? Bring a doll to her through sheer willpower? I'm not sure.

I'm lucky the store only opens at 10; I'm not sure the staff would have appreciated it.)

As the days went by, the number of Hello Kitty dolls in the window slowly dwindled, until earlier this week there was just one left. D was not pleased.

"Mommy, you are going to buy me a Hello Kitty," she ordered.

"We'll see," I answered.

"Mommy, you are going to buy me a Hello Kitty, or I will destroy you," was her response.

Ahh, those parenting moments where you can tell you must be doing something right.

Anyway. I tried to explain to D that threats of destruction wouldn't help her cause, but the truth is, she was going to get a Hello Kitty doll either way, because I'd bought one a week earlier and was saving it for Hanukah.

We don't even usually do big gifts on Hanukah - but how could I resist? The thing about giving gifts to young kids is you just get so much happiness for such minimum effort. Adults get less visibly excited about winning the lottery than 3-year-olds do when you give them a cookie.

So yeah. D got her Hello Kitty, I got to enjoy the sight of her wiggling in excitement as she opened the wrapping (OK, OK - as she pulled it out of the bag), and nobody got destroyed. All is well.

***

D just started speech therapy this week, after months of waiting for an appointment to open up. I couldn't help but be briefly concerned that her occasional threats to destroy me are going to sound a lot more disturbing once she can enunciate them properly.

***

D is not the only one around here who threatens to destroy people on occasion. One of her older sisters was overtired and angry at everyone earlier this week, and told her sisters through tears:
"I'm going to destroy you both! I'll destroy your brains! But you don't have brains - that's the whole problem!"

***

S also got a Hanukah present - a wooden train set. So for the past day, whenever the table hasn't been set for meals (and sometimes when it has) it has been home to her train. When she came home from daycare today, her first announcement was, "I need my train." Like I said - so easy to please.

ipad, again

It turns out I'm really busy this year. Who would have thought that finishing university would be this hard? Except of course for anyone who's gone to university, ever.

So blogging is probably going to be at a minimum this year. Which is really best for all of us. Trust me, you don't want to hear my "funny" stories involving orthonormal matrices.

But in the meantime, I'll share a brief story involving S, from this morning:

*S grabs the iPad from the shelf*

*I take it away*

Me: S, you're not even dressed yet. You can't have the ipad.

S: (pouts)

Me: Do you want to pick out your clothes, or should I pick them out for you?

S: You pick my clothes. (pause) I'll stay here and guard the ipad.

 

OK and one more, involving two children who shall not be named (but whose identities will probably be ridiculously obvious... )

The story opens with me practicing reading with one kid

Me: Good job, [Kid]! You're getting really good at this!

Kid: *beams with pride*

Sister: Yeah, good job!

Kid: STOP IT! DON'T TALK TO ME! I can't think with your TALKING!

(I think "good job" sounds like an insult when it comes from a big sister... Which I can sympathize with, because frankly, as a big sister myself, I probably meant "good job" sarcastically about half the time.) (but not anymore, Snan! Now I truly am awed by your accomplishments. Good job!)

Consider yourself warned - O - Other people's kids

Today I had to take someone else's kid home from daycare with my kid.

It did not go well.

Long story short, the kid decided he didn't want to go to his afternoon daycare, and decided to make it my problem by throwing a tantrum, complete with screaming, crying, "don't wanna"s, more crying, throwing himself on the floor, and crying. (I guess that's actually the whole story. It felt long at the time.)

The daycare assistant, who is a truly lovely person, tried for several minutes to help. She even offered him a prize. I would not have offered a prize, but then, I'm not the type often described as lovely. (It's not that I was entirely unsympathetic to him - I was just far more sympathetic to myself.)

Eventually I managed to convince him to come with us by using a mix of soothing words and lifting him up and physically forcing him down the stairs kicking and screaming.

When I got home, I related my ordeal to Viggy, concluding with, "I don't like dealing with kids."

"Right. That's why we have so many," he (rather reasonably, I guess) pointed out.

Which brings me to today's warning on dealing with Other People's Kids. The warning is this: it is hard, and it stays hard.

Maybe that's an anti-warning in a weird way. Like, if you're not a "kid person," if you think newborn babies all look alike (and none of them are particularly cute), if the sight of someone else's kid kicking and screaming makes you think "his parents owe me a shot of vodka" instead of "aww poor baby" - you might find that parenting is way better than you expected.

On the other hand, if you expected that learning to love your own spawn would give you some kind of insight into dealing with other people's offspring - yeah, good luck with that.

It's not just that your kids are magically easier to deal with because they're yours. I mean, I'm sure that's true too. I'm not an expert on the human brain or anything, but it seems likely that there's a big chunk of it dedicated to making sure people nurture any small people carrying their DNA, instead of drowning out their whining with the help of massive amounts of vodka.

But it's also that you get to train your children. I'm not saying it's easy, or that it always works. But you get years to do it. Years in which your children come to limit themselves, more or less, to the types of bratty behavior that you personally find it easiest to live with.

I can think of things my kids do that I could see driving other parents nuts. The high volume, the constant pool of water on the shower-room floor, the attempts to "cook" that I clean up on a near-daily basis... I'll stop here.

But I can live with all those things a lot easier than with full-on tantrums, or kids crying for upward of 2 minutes. Both of which I barely ever have to deal with.

So yeah. I have a bunch of kids, and I'm happy to have a bunch of kids, and we all get along just fine most of the time. But don't expect me to be any good at dealing with anyone else under the age of 15 or so.

And if I ever announce that I'm opening my own afternoon daycare, someone please tie me up until I'm talking sense again.

Monster

Yesterday S left the room where she'd been playing with her sisters and their friend, and came to see me in the kitchen.

"Mommy, there's a monster," she informed me matter-of-factly (or, in the original Hebrew and original pronunciation: אמא, יש מפלתת).
"Oh, a monster? Where?"
"Up high."
"Mmmm. OK."
(this repeated a few times)
"Mommy, there's a monster"
"OK, but there's not really a monster."
"There's a monster."
"But not really."
"Up high."
(this repeated a few times)

Finally, I went to see the monster.
"Where's the monster?"
"Up high!"
"Over here?" *points* "There's no monster here."
"Up high!" *points higher*
(this repeated several times)

Finally, after S left the room to go tell someone else about the monster, we had a breakthrough:
"Girls, why does S think there's a monster in the room?"
"Oh yeah, that. She was bothering us, so we told her there's a monster in here that only eats girls named S, so that she would leave."

Ahhh, sisterly love. (Remind you of anything, Snan?)

And what happened to the monster? When Viggy came home a few minutes later, S immediately approached him about it. And rather than try to deny its existence, as I had so foolishly done, he immediately went into the room and started eating it.

"OHM NOM NOM. YUMMY MONSTER. Is it anywhere else?"
*giggle* "Over there!!!"
"OHM NOM NOM. I'm eating up the monster!"
(this repeated several times, after which we didn't hear about the monster again)

Return of the Sweet Potato

Today D came out of the girls' room crying hysterically. After she managed to calm down a little, she told me through sobs that she was crying because Adi, N and their friend had "cursed" her.

Specifically, they'd told her that she's "one of the people who lives on the moon" and also "a mushy sweet potato."

I had a talk with Adi and co about being kind and patient with younger siblings, but also pointed out to D that she had provoked them by calling Friend "retarded" and telling her "you have a sweet potato on your head."

So... hopefully everyone learned a valuable lesson? (My lesson - spend a little more time setting up the daily schedule to give A, N and D a break from each other for at least part of the day... ).

Mmmm, fresh math

I started a new math course today. The class doesn't officially start until next week, but I got a bit of an early start because I'm such a conscientious student. That and I have a final exam in another course that I wanted to avoid studying for.

Anyway. The first chapter is entirely review, which was fun, because hey, free chapter. I did encounter some new notation that briefly confused me, but it turned out that it was just a dead bug that fell on the page.

It's a little weird that this course starts with concepts that were included as an introductory review in at least 2 of the prerequisites. I assume that's just because the textbook hasn't been updated since several decades before they designed the current curriculum.

(Just checked my hypothesis. This book was written in the mid-80s. Not bad for this school. I've had math books where the word problems involving money used the lira.)

I also started a new course in political science. Have you ever noticed that math and political science are difficult for two opposite reasons? Math books cram information into 1 page that it would take 10 pages to review properly. Political science books take 1 page of information and spread it out over 20 pages, leading the reader to struggle for minutes to understand what the author is saying before realizing that the answer is "nothing."

For now, both courses still look new and exciting. Just do me a favor and don't remind me I said that when it's May and I'm still in this (year-long) class.

Alternatives to Homeschooling

In recent decades, homeschooling has become an increasingly popular alternative to traditional schools (or maybe it's becoming less popular. I don't know, I'm making this part up).

There are several variations of homeschooling:

-the fundamentalist Christian kind where you insulate your children from the sinful outside world (to be fair, as a graduate of the public school system I have to say that demonic involvement in its oversight would explain a lot)

- the kind where you spend two hours a day making your kid read a book, do absolutely nothing else, and laugh as they continue to score above the public school average on standardized tests

- unschooling, which is where a child learns through their natural life experiences. In other words, where you don't make them read a book for even two hours a day

- more stuff I'm probably forgetting, because I have no idea what I'm talking about.


So as you can see, there's considerable variety there already. But still, I think there's room for something new. Some brilliant new method of reaching children's hearts and sparking their love for learning.

And who better to come up with it than me, a random college drop-out whose lack of desire to homeschool her children is outdone only by their lack of desire to be homeschooled?

I present to you:

1. The Child-Led Path method 

Both homeschooling and schooling (school-schooling?) come with benefits and challenges. The Child-Led Path allows parents and children alike to enjoy the best of both worlds.

How it works: the "path" in this case is an actual, literally path. Specifically, the one leading from your house to your child's school.

The parent brings his or her children to school - but at the child's pace. The decision to approach the school quickly or to, instead, engage in creative free play is in the child's hands. 

This method is really about trust. Trust that our children know, in their hearts, what is right for them. Just as our bodies tell us what they need if we only listen*, so do our minds. All we need to do is to open ourselves to their message, to let them tell us whether it's time for formal education, or for checking out that weird-looking snail. 

Today's schools so often destroy the mind-mind connection, leaving our children unable to tune in to their own intellectual needs. With the Child-Led Path, we regain that lost link. As our children tap into their mind's needs, they will lead us to the right balance of school, play, and family - naturally.

Practical tips:

-Expect the Child-Led Path to take approximately two hours for each half-kilometer between your house and the school. 

-The time during your walk is valuable educational time! You, the parent, can make sure that playtime is also learning time by encouraging your children to learn more about the various things they see along the way.

* if your body is like mine, what it truly needs is coffee, pizza, and Ben and Jerry's. Which I can only assume is the ideal diet for my body type.

2. The Freedom to Wonder Method

One of the chief aims of homeschooling is to encourage children's natural curiosity. Children of all ages love learning, naturally, just like they naturally love other tasks that require effort. We can teach them so much without forcing knowledge on them, simply by listening and responding to their questions.

But do we really listen to our children's questions? For many of us, the answer, unfortunately, is "sometimes." Sure, we happily answer our 6-year-old when she asks "what is a bank?" But so often, we brush our 2-year-old aside when she asks "why is a bank?"

Parents who follow the Freedom to Wonder method believe there is no such thing as a stupid question. Or an absurd question, rhetorical question, or misworded question. If a child asks, that means they want to know the answer - and our job as parents is to help them find that answer. Not to brush them aside with phrases like, "Don't be silly," "I already answered that," or, "Are you sure you meant 'plopar' bear, and not polar bear?"

Freedom to Wonder means treating every question not as a nuisance, but as an opportunity to explore together. Parents who follow this method generally find that there is no longer a need - nor, indeed, time in the day - for formal study. 

Practical tip:

-Sometimes children, especially younger children, repeat questions. Too many of us then shut down their inquiries, insisting that the answer we gave should suffice. Freedom to Wonder means encouraging questions no matter how often they are raised. When a child asks again, it means they are still curious. Perhaps our initial answer was unclear - or perhaps they simply want to delve deeper into the subject at hand.

 3. The Apprenticeship Method

Both homeschoolers and school-schoolers sometimes appeal to centuries of tradition to support their preferred method of education. Which is pretty ridiculous. The argument over whether 

1. kids spending most of 8 hours a day sitting in a classroom or 

2. kids spending most of the day in a suburban home using K-8 software 

is more like the traditional way of doing things is, frankly, an argument that neither side is going to win.

Some people might say, "OK, so let's just ignore tradition. Weren't most kids illiterate 200 years ago, anyway?" Ignore those people. For we must look to the past to lead our children to a better future.

So what were kids really doing 200 years ago? They were out there working alongside the adults, learning valuable life skills and being socialized into the adult world naturally (also, pulling their own weight).*

The Apprenticeship Method returns to the educational method our forefathers really used: throw kids into the deep end of the working world. What better way for a child to learn the skills that he or she will need in the working world than actually being part of the working world? What better motivation than knowing that hard work and know-how will be rewarded not with a meaningless letter on a piece of paper, but by cold hard cash? What better way for parents and children to bond than to share their days side-by-side, not as teacher and student, but as a team?

*(source: this book we read in school that one time about some kid who was like an apprentice or something? And he burned his hand with silver, I think. Also there was an American Revolution in there somewhere. Snan, do you know what I'm talking about?)

*****

Thus concludes my presentation of genius breakthroughs in the field of education. Please feel free to contact me with any lucrative book deals.