Quotes

Quotes for this week:

N: Adi says all kinds of confusing things. Like she said that if I jump on her bed, Hashem will be mad at me. But then I jumped on her bed, and he wasn't mad! She was just saying.

D: I don't have to pee, because I'm wearing a backpack.

And in honor of Yom Kippur:

"... then the people said to the dove 'it was you' and he said 'yes it was me' and they said 'we're going to throw you in the water' and he said 'but I can't swim!' So Hashem said to the dolphin, 'Dolphin, come here.' And he said to the dolphin to eat the bird, and he ate the bird, but then he said, 'It's not tasty for me.' So Hashem put the dove on the dirt and then he went to Ninveh and told them 'if you don't stop your town will be crumpled up.' But they didn't stop. So their town was crumpled up."

Maybe I should have a new feature, "Bible stories as told by a four-year-old." It makes for some interesting listening.

Today she told the story much more accurately, including the part where after Yona (the prophet, not the bird) warned Ninveh about being "crumpled up," "they all told each other 'sorry I hurt your feelings'" and were subsequently not crumpled.

How to pass as a domestic goddess

This week I decided to show appreciation for my readers. I was going to show my appreciation by sharing some valuable housekeeping tips, but then I realized I don't have any.

So instead, I'm going to share some valuable tips on fake housekeeping. I'm much better at that. So here it is,

How to pass as a domestic goddess:

1. If you bake cookies, burn some of them. Then it looks like you made two different kinds of cookies.

2. Does your baby eat dirt off the floor? Technically that's homemade AND organic. Feel free to use phrases like, "Oh yes, I try to make the baby's food at home. You can really taste the difference."

3. Some people cover their furniture to protect it from the kids. This is a mistake. The cover just gets dirty and starts to look bad. Instead, keep a clean cover around to throw over your sofas if guests stop by.

4. Remember the following words and phrases: ergonomic, authentic, retro, improving the feng shui. Use them if guests question the shape/texture/absence of your furniture or other belongings.

5. Did you learn another language in high school? Use it to describe your surroundings and any food you serve. Doesn't "in the authentic Sucio style" sound better than "dirty"? Doesn't "algo del congelador" sound much more appetizing than "some crap from the freezer"?

Warning: may not work with non-romance languages. Definitely doesn't work with German.

6. To keep your counters and stovetop sparkling clean, don't cook. Bonus: your kids are unlikely to mind.

7. If for some reason you are caught with a filthy house, there's always the classic slacker solution: lying. 

try playing sick:

or if you think you can pull it off:

EVEN MORE Snan and Alirsnan

SNAN and ALIRSNAN: the Education Edition (part two):

SNAN helps classmates who have trouble with the material.

ALIRSNAN has to aim her sights a bit lower.

SNAN shares interesting facts she learns with those around her. Knowledge was made for sharing!

ALIRSNAN does the same... depending how you define "interesting," "facts," "knowledge," and "sharing."

SNAN knows that true intelligence is the ability to apply knowledge to day-to-day life.

ALIRSNAN is saving her brain for later.

SNAN hangs out with highly intelligent individuals, reminding her that there are those out there even smarter than she is and keeping her humble.

ALIRSNAN's pack of small children keep her humble, too.

Snan and Alirsnan: Part 2

Back by popular demand*: Snan and Alirsnan!

(* OK, nobody actually asked to see this again. I just got the idea from my sister's recent blog post in which she named me as the smart twin. I hadn't wanted to mention it due to my awe-inspiring humility, but since it's on the table... )

SNAN and ALIRSNAN: the Education Edition (part 1):

It took SNAN a few minutes to work out her Ethernet connection.

ALIRSNAN saved time by knowing that "ethernet" isn't even a thing.

SNAN has taken dozens of courses at multiple top-tier schools.

ALIRSNAN has attended classes at no fewer than five colleges and universities.

SNAN keeps her brain sharp by continuing to learn even outside of school.

ALIRSNAN keeps her brain sharp by arguing with fellow housewives online.








I have three more of these, so you'll be seeing this in the next post whether there's any popular demand or not.

Time to clean

I'm going to share something personal with you: I don't like cleaning. Those of you who know me will, I know, be shocked to hear this.

Yet somehow, life worked out such that I am the primary person in charge of maintaining a semblance of order from Sunday, when the work week begins, to Friday, when Viggie has his day off and can whip things into shape so quickly that it makes me sulk because now he's clearly just showing off.

During my time, the house slowly reverts from cleanliness to different state; a state that reflects nature's constant push toward entropy, our ultimate lack of control over the course of our lives, and the beautiful chaos of the universe.

Viggie does not appreciate my philosophical genius.

Although to be fair, it's usually me who starts any fights about it.

Somewhere deep inside, or maybe somewhere off partying on a beach in Hawaii, I have a hint of better nature. This little piece of me occasionally pops up to urge me to Set Goals and Get Organized. Which I sort of do. If I do say so myself, I've managed admirably to meet my current cleanliness goal (namely, Clean Enough So That if Tipat Chalav Finally Calls Social Services on Me (more on that later), They Would Give Me a Second Chance).

In honor of that little spark of non-laziness, and in honor of the long-suffering Viggie, I present this handy chart for figuring out whether your floor, like mine, might need to be cleaned (apologies for the picture separation - I am technically as well as cleaning-ly impaired):

Pop quiz

Guess which of the following D got time out for today:

1. Pushing the laptop onto the floor
2. Flooding the bathroom floor
3. Stealing a third dessert
4. Cutting up Adi's school folders
5. Painting the bookshelf's fingernails



****

The correct answer is 1 & 5.

Don't get me wrong - she did all of those things. It's just that we have to push the red lines on punishable offenses pretty far back with her, or she'd spend a lot more time alone in her bedroom.

In her defense, she only pushed the laptop because she wanted to clean the table (helping!), it wasn't really "flooding" so much as "overenthusiastic showering," it can't really be called stealing when you're 2 and the dessert is within reach, in fact that's probably a form of entrapment, she was trying to improve the folder by giving it a nice fringe, and the bookshelf had been looking sad today and a nice new coat of nail polish will improve anyone's mood.

In my defense, I did take the dessert away. You have to have some lines.

Really happened part 4

Quotes from yesterday:

from N:
Mommy, can you guess what my favorite food is? I'll give you two hints: it's red, and it's a red pepper.

from D:
Right, on Shabbat we're not allowed to step in poop?

Silly things I tried to do today:

reason with a 2-year-old

(It turned out that "don't want" was short for "don't want bathtime to end, ever")