Consider Yourself Warned - P - Promises

We're celebrating a birthday here. This year I'm really trying to do the Good Mommy thing, party for several shrieking small people included.

Child wanted a cake shaped like a castle, just like the picture in the cookbook. I broke the news to her right off the bat that no cake I make is going to look like the one in the cookbook, but I did try. I made a round cake and several cupcakes, then put the cupcakes upside-down on the big round one (they were the turrets), frosted the whole thing (frosting is actually pretty gross when you see how it's made. I mean, I didn't expect it to be healthy, but still... ech), ripped up pink marshmallows and put them around the turrets (not sure what part of the castle that was supposed to be - gargoyles, maybe?), and then sat back and said "well, that's about as good as it's going to get."

And all the work paid off. Everyone agreed that the cake was very clearly meant to be a cake. The castle part I had to explain, but still. It was progress, compared to certain past birthday-cake experiences.

What does that have to do with promises? Nothing.

Here's what does have to do with promises: soon, I'm going to be taking Birthday Child to get her ears pierced. Because years ago, when she was a much smaller and somewhat milder version of her current self and first grade looked much further away, I made a promise.

Parents, and parents-to-be: Never promise anything to a child. I don't care how young they are. I don't care how forgetful they are. Kids remember promises. ALWAYS.

The same child who can wander in and out of their room five times without successfully getting a pair of shoes (including at least one trip where they bring back just one shoe - did they forget they have a second foot??), who won't remember that they were supposed to bring carrots to school today until their bus has arrived at the stop, who will ask "how many days until my birthday" multiple times in one day - that same child WILL remember that once, when they were two years old, you told them that when they get to third grade they can have their own bike.

And now I have to get to bed, because I promised someone a birthday party tomorrow, with a cake, which is going to mean a pre-work trip to the grocery store for more margarine and confectioners sugar than I want to imagine being consumed by anyone, let alone small children who will be running amok in my house.

Post diet Ali

A few people have asked me why, after my diet has more or less succeeded, I continue to draw myself as noticeably rounder than the rest of the family.

There are two reasons:

1. You may not have noticed, but my artistic ability is somewhat limited. Making me rounder than the other ovals is a way easier way to make it clear who is who than actually learning to draw would be.

2. I like that when I see people who read this blog in real life after spending a while apart, they tend to ask if I've lost weight.

But just for the record, here is how I look now:

The gray squares include helpful close-ups. I'll take them in clockwise order from the bottom left:

- First is my leg. It has a muscle now! I use the muscle primarily for squatting down to be toddler height (Kids take "I told you to STOP TRYING TO FEED THE PINECONE TO THE BABY! There won't be more warnings" more seriously when you're looking them in the eye).

- Second is my arm. It may look like it doesn't have a muscle at first, but if you squint really hard you can start to see what looks like a muscle but is actually just blurring brought on by eye strain.

- Third is my face. You can tell it has bones now.

- Fourth is my stomach. It remains lumpy, misshapen, and generally disgruntled. My stomach had to live through the third trimester of four pregnancies, during each of which I got large enough that it was harder to stand up and get things than to just stay on the couch and wait for them to get sucked into my gravitational pull.

Now it is time for Stomach Justice. From my abdomen's point of view, no number of situps can make up for the kind of cruelty it's been subject to. So there it remains, squishy and hostile. Admittedly fun to mold into funny shapes (you know, if I were ever bored enough to do that kind of thing. Which I'm totally not, because of all the housework and studying I'm busy with) but not so appropriate for the post-diet look.

Why am I telling you all this? As a heads up: people, I only look pregnant.

If you're thinking right now, "Oh, she's responding to me" - no, it wasn't just you. What can I say, I can see where people would get that idea. But rest assured that if I really am pregnant in the future, I will be at least twice this large. Also, I will be asleep by 1 AM, not blogging.

In the non-pregnant meantime, I'm going to continue to improve my health by drinking plenty of caffeine and alcohol while I still can. Oh wait, that's not "improve," that's "exploit." Exploit is usually the more fun of the two verbs.

I would gorge myself on sleep, too, but a certain teething baby objects. 

Happy holidays

I've been a lazy blogger lately, I know. For what it's worth, I've been busy with all the holidays we've been having over here. There was Rosh Hashanah, aka the Jewish new year, aka the Day of Judgment, aka the day where you get to eat apples in honey then run around the house screaming "tooooooooooooot" just like the noise the horn was making in shul. 

Then Yom Kippur, aka the Day of Atonement, aka one of the two annual 24+-hour fast days, aka the day where you get to stuff your face with honey cookies and run around doing all that stuff you could never get away with any other day of the year because Mommy isn't feeling good right now.

Now it's Sukkot, aka feast of Tabernacles (<-- it is time to change this translation. Nobody alive has seen a tabernacle), aka the holiday on which my already timid child managed to develop a fear of, of all things, wind. She says that if it's a windy day on a day when she has preschool, she just won't go.

To prove my busy-ness, I present my to-do lists from before Rosh Hashanah. (I love writing "to do" lists. I'm not really into reading them, but writing them is great. It fills me with a sense of possibility, just thinking how cool it would be if I were actually going to get more than 1/3 of that stuff done.)

Quotes

Quotes for this week:

N: Adi says all kinds of confusing things. Like she said that if I jump on her bed, Hashem will be mad at me. But then I jumped on her bed, and he wasn't mad! She was just saying.

D: I don't have to pee, because I'm wearing a backpack.

And in honor of Yom Kippur:

"... then the people said to the dove 'it was you' and he said 'yes it was me' and they said 'we're going to throw you in the water' and he said 'but I can't swim!' So Hashem said to the dolphin, 'Dolphin, come here.' And he said to the dolphin to eat the bird, and he ate the bird, but then he said, 'It's not tasty for me.' So Hashem put the dove on the dirt and then he went to Ninveh and told them 'if you don't stop your town will be crumpled up.' But they didn't stop. So their town was crumpled up."

Maybe I should have a new feature, "Bible stories as told by a four-year-old." It makes for some interesting listening.

Today she told the story much more accurately, including the part where after Yona (the prophet, not the bird) warned Ninveh about being "crumpled up," "they all told each other 'sorry I hurt your feelings'" and were subsequently not crumpled.

How to pass as a domestic goddess

This week I decided to show appreciation for my readers. I was going to show my appreciation by sharing some valuable housekeeping tips, but then I realized I don't have any.

So instead, I'm going to share some valuable tips on fake housekeeping. I'm much better at that. So here it is,

How to pass as a domestic goddess:

1. If you bake cookies, burn some of them. Then it looks like you made two different kinds of cookies.

2. Does your baby eat dirt off the floor? Technically that's homemade AND organic. Feel free to use phrases like, "Oh yes, I try to make the baby's food at home. You can really taste the difference."

3. Some people cover their furniture to protect it from the kids. This is a mistake. The cover just gets dirty and starts to look bad. Instead, keep a clean cover around to throw over your sofas if guests stop by.

4. Remember the following words and phrases: ergonomic, authentic, retro, improving the feng shui. Use them if guests question the shape/texture/absence of your furniture or other belongings.

5. Did you learn another language in high school? Use it to describe your surroundings and any food you serve. Doesn't "in the authentic Sucio style" sound better than "dirty"? Doesn't "algo del congelador" sound much more appetizing than "some crap from the freezer"?

Warning: may not work with non-romance languages. Definitely doesn't work with German.

6. To keep your counters and stovetop sparkling clean, don't cook. Bonus: your kids are unlikely to mind.

7. If for some reason you are caught with a filthy house, there's always the classic slacker solution: lying. 

try playing sick:

or if you think you can pull it off:

EVEN MORE Snan and Alirsnan

SNAN and ALIRSNAN: the Education Edition (part two):

SNAN helps classmates who have trouble with the material.

ALIRSNAN has to aim her sights a bit lower.

SNAN shares interesting facts she learns with those around her. Knowledge was made for sharing!

ALIRSNAN does the same... depending how you define "interesting," "facts," "knowledge," and "sharing."

SNAN knows that true intelligence is the ability to apply knowledge to day-to-day life.

ALIRSNAN is saving her brain for later.

SNAN hangs out with highly intelligent individuals, reminding her that there are those out there even smarter than she is and keeping her humble.

ALIRSNAN's pack of small children keep her humble, too.

Snan and Alirsnan: Part 2

Back by popular demand*: Snan and Alirsnan!

(* OK, nobody actually asked to see this again. I just got the idea from my sister's recent blog post in which she named me as the smart twin. I hadn't wanted to mention it due to my awe-inspiring humility, but since it's on the table... )

SNAN and ALIRSNAN: the Education Edition (part 1):

It took SNAN a few minutes to work out her Ethernet connection.

ALIRSNAN saved time by knowing that "ethernet" isn't even a thing.

SNAN has taken dozens of courses at multiple top-tier schools.

ALIRSNAN has attended classes at no fewer than five colleges and universities.

SNAN keeps her brain sharp by continuing to learn even outside of school.

ALIRSNAN keeps her brain sharp by arguing with fellow housewives online.








I have three more of these, so you'll be seeing this in the next post whether there's any popular demand or not.