Child vs. Ceiling

Here is a test to see how familiar you all are with my blog:

If your first thought was, "What is that, a flesh-colored egg? What does that have to do with parenting?" you must be new.

If your first thought was, "So... one of your kids was naked, or something?" you've probably been here once or twice before.

And if your first thought was, "So why was Dani angry at the ceiling?" - what can I say. You know me, and you know my life.

Like so many things my kids do that mess with my head, this one was accidentally started by me.

It all began when Dani wanted something to kick. No, I told her, you can't kick a sister. No, I told her, you can't kick the chairs. NO, NO KICKING SISTERS, I reminded her.

Finally poor frustrated Dani had an idea. "Can I kick the ceiling?" she asked.
"Yes," I told her. "If you can reach the ceiling, you can go ahead and kick it."

I meant that as a way to briefly amuse myself at the expense of my 3-year-old (mocking children without them noticing is one of the lesser-discussed joys of parenting). She took it as carte blanche to wage all-out war on the ceiling. Hey, Mommy lets us kick it - the ceiling must seriously be an enemy in our house.

That's how we ended up with scenes like that a few evenings ago.
"Mommy," one of my other children said, entering the room where I was working, "D is using bathroom words."
Through the open door I could hear, "CEILING!! You are POOPY! You are a PENIS!! You are a POOPY PENIS!!!! Fooya ceiling!"
"OK, sweetie," I said. What is there to say?

I had to find a way to confess to Viggy that I was behind the whole situation. But as it turns out, Viggy is pretty much all for anything that keeps the kids' feet busy doing something other than climbing up him the minute he sits down. So we're good.
*****

In Why Are We Crying Today news:

- because N was born second, and it's not fair, because she got to be born second last week AND the week before, and it's NOT FAIR.

- because, Mommy, you said not to swallow the gum, and I didn't swallow the gum, but it swallowed itself! I was just chewing it and it went to my throat in the back part and was swallowed and I wasn't trying to!

- because I said POTATO CHIPS not TUNA SANDWICH, how can I make this any clearer? Seriously, what's wrong with you people?

My kids have tough lives.

Book Reviews

Yet again, it's a particularly busy and stressful time of year. And yet again, I've somehow found time to read enough books to write more book reviews. Funny how that happens.

(the stress, for the record, has almost nothing to do with Passover, the upcoming holiday which I've been preparing for only in the vaguest possible sense of the word)

The Night Watch (Fantasy)

The first in a series by Sergei Lukyanenko. Not to be confused with the Night Watch of Song of Ice and Fire (/Game of Thrones) fame.

I picked this book up because I'm running out of fantasy books in English at the local library, and it was there. Fortunately, it was good enough that I'll probably read the sequels, thus further delaying the day on which I'll have to either start reading in a new language, start reading books written for grown-ups, or start paying for books (all terrible options).

The front cover proudly announces that, according to the Daily Telegraph, this is "JK Rowling, Russian style." I couldn't help drawing the parallels.

Rowling's hero:

11-year-old Harry learns that he has magical powers, and is whisked off to an enchanted castle to learn and explore his new world.

Lukyanenko's hero:

30-year-old Anton learns that he has magical powers, and decides to continue working as a computer programmer.

Harry: Lives in a world where the noble and courageous good wizards must face off against a powerful evil wizard and his minions.

Anton: Lives in a world where the Light wizards, who are good... OK, sort of good... in a "responsible for most major genocides" kind of way... face off against the Dark wizards, who are bad... sort of bad... it's all kind of complicated, really.

Harry: Isn't unusually skilled, but manages to beat more experienced foes due to a combination of determination, grit, pluck, courage, moxie, dumb luck, and what-the-hell-JK-Rowling-are-you-serious.

Anton: If he wins at anything, it's probably a trap.

Harry: For fun, likes to partake of whimsical foods like Every Flavour Beans and Butterbeer and to play the magical game of Quidditch. 

Anton: Does not have fun. When not being attacked by Dark Wizards or jerked around by his boss, likes to drink cheap Russian vodka and contemplate the fact that there is no real good in the universe.

***

It's pretty funny to think of Anton as Russia's version of Harry Potter, but I have a feeling the book was meant for a slightly older audience. 

Although... when I first made the comparison, I thought, "Who would give The Night Watch to their 12-year-old to read? All that drinking and sex. Harry Potter is way more wholesome." But after a while, I started thinking, "Who would give Harry Potter to their 12-year-old to read? All that moral simplicity. The Night Watch is way closer to educational."

Oh, and one last parallel (*spoilers*):

Harry: Love interest Ginny gets involved with other guys as part of a convoluted plan to get his attention.

Anton: Love interest Sveta gets involved with other guys as part of a convoluted plan to get his attention.

Some things are apparently universal.

My rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars.

One Beautiful Baby (Educational)

The basic plot - take one sweet smile... three big bananas... seven silly sounds... what do you get? One beautiful baby!

Actually, scratch "basic," that's the whole thing.

This book has numbers, in an apparent attempt to appeal to parents' constant gnawing fear that their toddlers are somehow already behind in school. Unfortunately, despite that one concession to math, the book's basic concept is completely mathematically and biologically flawed. 

My advice - if you don't want to tell your kids where babies come from, just don't tell them. Don't pretend that adding bananas, diapers, sticky fingers, and seven other simple ingredients (or maybe not so simple, since "ducks" is on the list) will create a new human being. It could cause way too much confusion down the line.

My rating: 1 out of 5 stars.

You Can Count! (Educational)

The basic idea - Barney has a surprise for his friends Baby Bop and BJ. But instead of just telling them what it is like a normal person, he has to wait until they've spent the entire book just wandering around. Oh, and there are also flaps with numbers underneath, and when you press the button with that number, Barney's voice will say the number and add some inane commentary ("Six! Oh boy, oh boy!").

The good: 

- It has Barney, bright colors, flaps to lift, and sounds. All the things small kids love, in one book.

- The set-up helps kids associate each quantity with both its written number and its sound.

The bad:

- It has Barney, bright colors, flaps to lift, and sounds. All the things that help turn what would normally be merely a monotonous pre-bedtime reading experience into what feels like a lifetime of torture, in one book.

- Someday your kids will leave this book on the floor somewhere, you'll be innocently making your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night or to the coffee machine in the morning, and suddenly you'll hear Barney's disembodied voice saying, "Eight! That's great!!" And you will know the meaning of terror.

My rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars.

Art!

and in other news... it's the first day of Passover vacation, and the kids are already eating chocolate-peanut butter sandwiches and watching old Bugs Bunny clips on Youtube. I hate to think what my parenting is going to look like in two weeks from now.

Viggy went to reserves last week for all of three days. It was a very long three days.

I decided that having a husband in reserves is a good time for a spiritual awakening. For example, it's a good time to do some introspection about whether you've truly accepted that you can't fully control your fate, or whether the real reason you sleep OK at night these days is having a big strong guy sleeping just a foot away (spoiler alert: it wasn't the first thing).

It's also a good time to do some heartfelt praying.

What, you thought I'd be praying for Viggy? He was just doing some exercise in the desert, he's cool.

I didn't see any cockroaches, so I survived too. A pigeon did try to come in the bathroom window at one point, but I scared it away by reasoning with it from the other side of the bathroom door. Or maybe it just fell off the windowsill laughing.

On Viggy's third day in reserves (so after his second night away from home) I found N and D looking over a photo album with pictures of Viggy during his original army service. "This is Daddy in reserves," N informed D.

"We're looking at his picture so we remember what he looks like," she explained to me.

*****

On the same morning D refused to pick out clothes. Fortunately, being the clever Mommy I am, I knew just what to do - I picked out clothes for her, knowing it would inspire her to yell, "NO! OOooof, not THOSE clothes! I'M going to pick clothes."

She came back out with a different shirt, a different skirt, and two pairs of underwear. Why two pairs? "So that I can choose." I then had to hold both up for her careful consideration.

*****

D told me the other day, "Right, I shouldn't kick when I'm on the stairs, because when I tried to kick the cat while I was on the stairs I almost fell down?" See? They can be taught.

For the record, D doesn't try to actually kick animals. She just kicks at them, I guess to demonstrate that she is a force to be reckoned with and they should not even think of trying to mess with her.

Then if they don't look sufficiently scared, she runs to hide behind my legs.

I am trying to find a way to explain to her what a very stupid idea this is without re-introducing dog phobia. "Honey, you can't do that, it's very not nice for the doggy" isn't doing it, but "For ^&*^'s sake, kid, stop that before a pit bull takes your leg off" would probably be overkill.

If anyone has ideas, feel free to share.

Quiz: Are you a parent?

Being a parent usually has some noticeable symptoms, like all of your money disappearing, memories of tiny human beings exiting your body, and a bunch of kids going around calling you "Mom." But those could also be signs of a tapeworm in your bank account, alien abduction, and a long-running practical joke. So how do you know if you're really a parent? Take my quiz and find out.

1. How much coffee do you drink in a day?

a. Four cups.

b. I switched to herbal tea last year, and I feel much better.

c. One cup, reheated four times.

2. You dream of traveling to:

a. The Amazon.

b. The beach.

c. The Starbucks down the street.

3. The best way to deal with a teething baby is:

a. Enjoy the fact that it’s not yours.

b. Teething gel.

c. Half a bottle of vodka – oh wait, did you mean for the baby?

4. When your significant other comes in the door, you greet him/her with:

a. "Hey babe."

b. "Hi honey."

c. "Shoot me."

5. (For women (my apologizes to any gender-stereotype-defying male readers.)): Why do you wear makeup?

a. To attract men.

b. So that other women won’t think I’m ugly.

c. So that it will look like I slept more than five hours last night.

6. When was the last time you did drugs?

a. Why are you asking? What are you, a cop?

b. I don’t do drugs.

c. Yesterday, one bottle of baby aspirin. And no, it wasn’t enough.

7. When was the last time you were peed on?

a. I’d rather not say. Unless you’re saying you’re into that kind of thing.

b. Peed on??? Eeeeewwww.

c. Hard to say, it all kind of blends together.

8. What do you like to do in your spare time?

a. You know – hiking, surfing, hanging with friends. The usual.

b. Interior decorating.

c. Ahahahahaha *sob*

9. What phrase would someone most likely overhear at your dinner table?

a. "So who’s up for a party tonight?"

b. "So how do you think the tax cuts will influence the stock market?"

c.  "GET THAT OUT OF YOUR NOSTRIL RIGHT NOW!!! And go put pants on!"

Mostly As: You appear to be child free. I pity you. And envy you. But I wouldn’t want to be you. Except maybe for like, just a day, just for old times’ sake. Or a week.

Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we traded places, just for two weeks? You know, you could get to experience parenting and I… what? No? That wouldn’t be cool?

How about one week?

I’ll give you some time to think about it.

Mostly Bs: You’re either pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or wasting what could be some of the craziest years of your life.

Mostly Cs: You’re definitely a parent. I’d say more, but there’s a 99% chance that in the last five minutes you were called off to deal with some child-related emergency and you aren’t reading this anymore anyway.