As an apology for slacking with the whole blog post thing lately, I'm going to give you a rare chance to share in my wisdom. Specifically, the secrets of my kitchen. Not the cookie dough Viggie doesn't know I'm keeping in the freezer (cookie dough is best when eaten in hastily stolen frozen chunks) or the zombie cockroaches behind the counter wall, but cooking secrets.
I've chosen one of my best recipes - lentil patties. It's cheap, nutritious except for the frying, and vegan except for the eggs.
Lentil patties:
Ingredients:
Lentils, eggs, bread crumbs, spices, oil, water (do you have to list water?)
Instructions:
1. Soak the lentils for 5 minutes.
2. Put the lentils on the stove with the water. Preferably in a pot.
3. Stupid lentils. Why are they taking so long to cook?
4. Oh right, the fire. Turn on the fire and put them over low heat.
5. Use the time to get some work done.
Dilbert is funny today. So is Cracked. So is... what's that smell?
6. CRAP CRAP CRAP get the lentils off the stove! And maybe put some water on them or something.
7. These will be special black lentil patties. Add some extra ketchup to hide the flavor and continue to step 8.
8. Look for the eggs. Realize that you left them on the kitchen counter overnight.
9. Wait, eggs were out overnight and are still whole in the morning? Make a mental note to get Dani's eyes checked.
10. Ask Dr. Internet if it's OK to eat eggs that were on the counter overnight.
11. Dr. Internet said it's cool. He also said something about a global conspiracy involving either Jews or alien lizards. Make mental note to find out whether it's Jews or lizards, and if it's Jews, why I'm not getting a cut.
12. Add the eggs to the lentils.
13. Should the recipe have had quantities? Let's add some now. I'm going to go with one cup of lentils, two cups of water, two eggs, a bunch of breadcrumbs (one bunch = 0.572 cups), and a big pinch of each spice, assuming you don't have abnormally small fingers, in which case you'd need more like a big pinch and a half. As for the oil, you can never have too much oil.
14. Add some spices. TRADE SECRET: all spices are basically the same, especially the ones that are the same color. Anything that calls for nutmeg can also use cinnamon, anything that calls for cumin could also be made with turmeric or curry powder, and anything that calls for sweet paprika can also be made with chili flakes and then there's more for me.
Cookbooks will try to tell you otherwise, but only because the spice companies have paid them all off.
Anyway. For this recipe, try some salt, a pinch of beige spice, and a bigger pinch of red spice.
15. Add the bread crumbs. Or potato flakes, or flour, or oatmeal - all those whitish/beigish carby things are basically the same, too.
16. Fry it! Fry everything. The only thing that the southern states know about cooking is also the one thing they got right - everything tastes better fried. (I know what you're thinking, and yes, that does include Snickers bars. And cockroaches.)
Your patties will be done around the time there's enough smoke in the room that you remember you were cooking something.
17. You're done! All that's left is to listen to your kids whine about how they wanted tuna patties, not lentil, and later, to remove teeny tiny pieces of mashed lentil patty from between the tiles on the floor (if you've got small kids and are still trying to cover your floor with a carpet, you're too far gone for my help).
I've chosen one of my best recipes - lentil patties. It's cheap, nutritious except for the frying, and vegan except for the eggs.
Lentil patties:
Ingredients:
Lentils, eggs, bread crumbs, spices, oil, water (do you have to list water?)
Instructions:
1. Soak the lentils for 5 minutes.
2. Put the lentils on the stove with the water. Preferably in a pot.
3. Stupid lentils. Why are they taking so long to cook?
4. Oh right, the fire. Turn on the fire and put them over low heat.
5. Use the time to get some work done.
Dilbert is funny today. So is Cracked. So is... what's that smell?
6. CRAP CRAP CRAP get the lentils off the stove! And maybe put some water on them or something.
7. These will be special black lentil patties. Add some extra ketchup to hide the flavor and continue to step 8.
8. Look for the eggs. Realize that you left them on the kitchen counter overnight.
9. Wait, eggs were out overnight and are still whole in the morning? Make a mental note to get Dani's eyes checked.
10. Ask Dr. Internet if it's OK to eat eggs that were on the counter overnight.
11. Dr. Internet said it's cool. He also said something about a global conspiracy involving either Jews or alien lizards. Make mental note to find out whether it's Jews or lizards, and if it's Jews, why I'm not getting a cut.
12. Add the eggs to the lentils.
13. Should the recipe have had quantities? Let's add some now. I'm going to go with one cup of lentils, two cups of water, two eggs, a bunch of breadcrumbs (one bunch = 0.572 cups), and a big pinch of each spice, assuming you don't have abnormally small fingers, in which case you'd need more like a big pinch and a half. As for the oil, you can never have too much oil.
14. Add some spices. TRADE SECRET: all spices are basically the same, especially the ones that are the same color. Anything that calls for nutmeg can also use cinnamon, anything that calls for cumin could also be made with turmeric or curry powder, and anything that calls for sweet paprika can also be made with chili flakes and then there's more for me.
Cookbooks will try to tell you otherwise, but only because the spice companies have paid them all off.
Anyway. For this recipe, try some salt, a pinch of beige spice, and a bigger pinch of red spice.
15. Add the bread crumbs. Or potato flakes, or flour, or oatmeal - all those whitish/beigish carby things are basically the same, too.
16. Fry it! Fry everything. The only thing that the southern states know about cooking is also the one thing they got right - everything tastes better fried. (I know what you're thinking, and yes, that does include Snickers bars. And cockroaches.)
Your patties will be done around the time there's enough smoke in the room that you remember you were cooking something.
17. You're done! All that's left is to listen to your kids whine about how they wanted tuna patties, not lentil, and later, to remove teeny tiny pieces of mashed lentil patty from between the tiles on the floor (if you've got small kids and are still trying to cover your floor with a carpet, you're too far gone for my help).
You've cracked the spice code. Better watch out as the McCormick people will be coming after you!
ReplyDeleteThis is truth. Spices are all the same (just different colors)
ReplyDelete