Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

This is a real thing. Just.... wow.

Since discovering that this is a real thing, I've been making it my mission to raise awareness of this movie.

I'm not sure if this movie is a sign of what's wrong with our culture or what's right with our culture, but I'm leaning heavily toward the latter. In fact, I'm kind of annoyed at Hollywood for making all those other movies before this one. (And speaking of, where is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: the Movie?)

Anyway. I'm all for forgiving Hollywood for the delay and focusing on moving forward and making more movies like this (I know the movie hasn't come out yet. But come on, it's Abraham Lincoln using an ax to kill vampires - how could it go wrong?). Think how much more entertaining our grandchildren's history lessons could be if we take the initiative and spice the past up a bit right now.

I have a few suggestions, I'd love to hear yours too:

Revolutionary War:

Americans vs. British? Or Americans vs. the zombie hordes? I think the latter would have been much more interesting. After losing a few battles, the British seek to gain the upper hand by bringing the colonists’ natural enemies – those zillions of native Americans they killed with the plague – back to life. George Washington stars as the warrior with a mysterious past that could prove to be the key to the zombies’ destruction. Benedict Arnold costars as Washington’s fellow soldier who’s secretly a necromancer helping the British raise the dead.

War of 1812:

Nobody really knows what this one was about. Which is a good thing, because it could be made way cooler and nobody would know the difference.

I think it involved boats, so let’s say that this one had merpeople. But not cute ones like in the Little Mermaid. Evil merpeople. And lots of explosions.

Mexican-American War:

The Mexicans are backed by the Aztec gods, who’ve made them all basically super-soldiers. Millard Fillmore – then a simple toughened drifter with a military past – saves the day by harnessing the power of the American Indian gods (who can beat the Mexican gods because the U.S. is #1. Obviously).

World War I:

I’m going to go with a clone army on this one. I know we already had that Star Wars movie with a clone army, but that one wasn’t good, so it doesn’t count.

Evil scientists (are there any other kind?) are making a clone army to take over the world. They are defeated by a team of American super-spies led by Calvin “Silent Cal” Coolidge.

World War II:

A hellmouth opened under Germany in the 1930s, and the Nazis were literally led by Satan. A young John F. Kennedy leads his troops to victory with a mix of cool weapons that didn’t actually exist at the time and Catholicism. Think “the exorcist” meets “Buffy” meets “Inglourious Basterds.” It would be awesome.

Cuban missile crisis:

Xmen already got this one. Spoiler: it was mutants.

Vietnam War:

We haven’t done aliens yet, so let’s get some aliens in there. I can’t think what the war would have been about, but nobody knows what the real Vietnam War was about, so that's not a big obstacle. Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan fight side by side as brave commandos tasked with finding the aliens’ secret control center and destroying it. A tragedy involving a mutual love interest causes the two war buddies to become bitter rivals.