Clean Your Kids' Room in Just 15 Minutes

After all the fear-mongering I've done, I've decided to be helpful for once. Here is my tried and true method for cleaning your children's bedroom in just 15 minutes.

We start at 9 a.m., because to do anything difficult before 9 a.m. would be obscene.

9:00: The first step is to assess the situation.

9:00:15: OK, that's getting depressing. New first step - go put away all that junk on the bed.

9:01: Whose skirt is this? Nobody in the house wears this size. Does one of the kids' friends wear this size? Put it aside to figure out later.

9:01:30: Whose socks are these? Wouldn't you remember if someone had been wearing bright pink socks with green cats on them? Put them aside to figure out later.

9:05: The bed should be clean at this point. If you've done it properly, you should have a nice neat huge pile of things that you don't know what to do with.

Time to move on to the floor under the bed.

9:06: What IS that? Ew. Oh lord, it's sticky. Eeeeewwwwwww.

9:07: Is that a cockroach???? Flee to living room.

9:08: Call husband. Explain about the cockroach. Tell him you need him to come home right now and kill it.

9:10: Your husband should be done laughing by now. Explain that you are serious. Explain that the cockroach definitely got a good look at your face, and lord only knows what it's planning right now.

9:11: Fume.

9:13: Forget under the beds. That's cockroach territory now. Move on to the laundry pile instead. Start checking pockets and preparing things to go in the machine.

9:14: This shirt looks completely clean. Why is it in the laundry pile? Check if it smells clean.

9:16: Come around. Wonder why there's a shirt in your hand. Were you doing laundry? But it doesn't even look dirty. Maybe it got into the laundry by mistake. Smell it to be sure.

9:18: Come around.

9:19: Stuff everything in the washing machine and be done with it.

9:20: Now it's time to put the toys in the toy box.

That's funny, there's no room in the toy box, even though all the toys appear to be on the floor. Better take a look and see what's in there.

9:21: So that's where your favorite shirt has been.

9:22: So that's where your husband's shaving machine has been.

9:25: Put the shirt, shaving machine, backpack, left shoe, other left shoe, bag of pasta, old newspaper, and ketchup packets back where they belong.

9:26: Now start putting the toys in the box.

9:35: How did you ever get all these toys into one box?

9:36: Forget it. Let some toys stay on the floor. Just keep moving. Now it's time to deal with the art projects.

9:37: Awww, a picture of the family! That's so cute!

9:37:30: Wait, why am I the fattest?

9:38: Wow, where did they get this nice fabric that they glued on this piece of paper?

9:38:15: Run to check state of child's dress.

9:38:30: Curse.

9:39: It's been longer than 15 minutes, hasn't it? Like, way longer.

9:40: Screw it. Time for more coffee.

9:41: Make that an Irish coffee.

Note: when your husband gets home, do not apologize for getting hysterical about the cockroach that turned out to be just a big piece of lint. Anyone could have made that mistake.