In Soviet Russia, language hates you

As some of you know, I've been trying to learn Russian. This is not an easy thing.

Here's the problem: Russian doesn't want to be learned. At least not by Americans.

Think about the first words you learn in a new language. "Hi," "what is your name," "please," "thank you," and the like.

So in Russian, "Hi" is "Preevyet." That's easy enough, right?

That would be easy enough. But you don't get to say that word. That's the informal way to say "hi," and you only get to use it with people you're friendly with, who've asked you to use the informal "you" form with them. Which is not likely to happen unless you can manage to say "hi" to them at some point.

The formal way to say "hi" is "Zdrastvooytye." Try to say that. But really, take a minute and try right now.

That word hates your mouth.

(For future reference, the Z next to the D is nature's way of warning you off.)

So, OK, one hard word. You can't expect it all to be smooth going. New languages take perseverance.

Then you get to "please." Pazhalooysta.

For those afraid to try to say that after their experience with Zdrastvooytye, I'll save you the time: Trying to say that word feels like being punched in the tongue.

The extremely kind person who is valiantly attempting to teach me Russian has yet to teach me to say that word properly.

That's the first barrier Russian puts up, and it's a tough one. There's nothing like looking at a vocab list with the first 50 words you'd want to learn in any language and realizing that with hard work, dedication, and years of practice, you might be able to pronounce 20 of them.

Among the other barriers, by the way, is the gendered nouns. As if it weren't tough enough trying to figure out which words are male and female (as in languages like Spanish. or Hebrew, where tables are male, cameras are female, unicorns are male... all with no apparent rhyme or reason), Russian decided to add a third gender.

Which, beyond the difficulty involved in remembering a third gender (what is the third gender supposed to be, exactly? My textbook says "neuter form," which is just plain wrong), makes it so much more annoying. What, so you knew there was a way to have gender-neutral words, but decided it would be more fun to do it the other way anyway?

And finally, there's a more personal issue I've been facing. Ninety percent of my Russian "conversations" are with elderly Russian women who address me on the street. I can only understand about 5% of what they're saying. And from that five percent, I find myself wondering - do I really want to understand the rest?

(The parts I can understand are English, the rest is what Russian sounds like to me)

So now that I've shared the hard parts, here's what keeps me going:

1. Russian speakers are among the world's friendliest native speakers to people who butcher their language. If you know how to say "thank you" and count to ten, you'll already have people saying in surprise, "Oh, you know some Russian! Where did you learn?" as if it's a very special thing that someone has picked up a few words in a language spoken by hundreds of millions of people.

2. I have a childlike fear of missing out on something. Hence trying to understand all the words I hear and see around me, even though most of them turn out to be things like "water bill" or "attorney's office." (Hence staying up until 2 a.m., too)

3. Last but definitely not least, it's a way to avoid both math homework and cleaning the house without feeling entirely useless.