Consider Yourself Warned - R - Refrigerators

Refrigerators. Wonderful inventions that allow you to put milk in your coffee in the morning without spending the afternoon writhing in pain from stomach cramps, and provide safety in case of a nuclear blast? Or do their placid exteriors mask sinister secrets?

Let's find out.

(Above is my fridge. This part would be more effective if it included the Jaws theme song. So if you don't mind, please hum that to yourself for a minute. I'll wait.)


Since the kids got tall enough to open the fridge, opening it has become... interesting. Not because of the leftovers that get shoved to the back and then stay there until they grow enough forms of mold that I feel like I'm committing genocide when I wash them out; I had those when I was single, too.

No, the post-baby-production problem is the "cooking projects." I suppose in a few years I'll be happy that my kids love cooking (assuming they haven't ditched it in favor of the internet by then). But for now - you know what? Let me share some recipes my kids came up with, and we'll see if you can't figure out the issue for yourselves:

Recipe #1: Salad:

What's above is just a sample salad. The beauty of the salad is that anything - literally anything - can be an ingredient.

Utensils needed: a plate, scissors.

Preparation:

Step 1: Grab whatever food items and/or non-food items are easiest to reach.

Step 2: Begin chopping them into pieces and putting them on the plate.

Step 3: Your sister thinks it's her turn to chop now. Remind her of her rightful place with a forceful push to the torso.

Step 4: Continue chopping.

Step 5: Great. She stole the scissors, and you can't cry to mom because mom wouldn't exactly like what you're doing. Wait.

Step 6: Grab scissors back.

Step 7: Once you've chopped until the point where it looks like a dog scarfed a liter of jelly beans and then horked them up all over your kitchenware, bring the plate to show mom (what's she going to do? it's too late to stop you).

Step 8: Suggest mom take a bite.

Step 9: Insist.

Step 10: Cry.

Step 11: Holy crap, did that actually work? Did she really just taste it?

Step 12: Laugh.


Recipe 2: Cookies:

In order to make cookies, first you'll need to find cookies. (If that line seemed illogical to you, clearly you've lost your sense of childlike wonder.) Once you have your cookies and other ingredients, continue as follows:

Step 1: Mash the cookies.

Step 2: Rip the bag of sugar open, even if it was already open. Make sure it spills into the hard-to-reach places in the corners of the room and not just on the table itself.

Step 3: Pour chocolate syrup in your sister's hair.

Step 4: Now she's sad. Pacify her by pouring chocolate syrup in your own hair.

Step 5: Put ingredients in a cup in no particular order.

Step 6: Put cup in the freezer.

Step 7: The next time you've built a fort, bring your cookies in to snack on. If prepared properly, the cookies will be frozen solid, so just lick the top a bit.

Step 8: Leave the rest for mom to discover several days later.


Recipe #3: Chocolate milk:

Preparation:
Step 1: Pour milk into cup. You should use the milk that Dad just told you is only for cereal and not for any more of your cooking projects.

Warning: do not empty the cup of its original contents before pouring. Pour until milk hits the top of the cup.

Step 2: Keep pouring milk for another several seconds, just to be sure.

Step 3: What's on the table? Soggy cereal? Leftover soup nuts? Banana peel? Those would go great in your milk. Shove them in there.

Step 4: There's probably something fun on the floor, too. Do you see any playdoh, or maybe some tissue? Go ahead and put that in too.

Step 5: Chocolate milk is better cold. Put some ice in there. Don't bother to shut the freezer door, you'll just need to open it again someday.

Step 6: Put your milk in the fridge for later. Put it right near the front, balanced precariously next to the vegetables, for easier access.

Step 7: Did Mom just spill your chocolate milk again? She's so inconsiderate.

Step 8: Cry.


Recipe #4: Grated Noodle Surprise:

This one doesn't really need a picture or instructions. It's just what it sounds like: grated noodles, wherever you least expect them.