So having recently finished my final exam, and having no desire to start cleaning the house, I've decided to do you all a favor. I am going to bestow upon you, my un-be-childed friends (and friends whose minds have repressed the memory of their early parenting years), a glimpse into the secret wisdom of parenting.
I will call this guide "Consider Yourself Warned."
Since we were talking about poop, I'll start there, then proceed alphabetically into the realm of parenting knowledge (or what parenting knowledge I haven't forgotten due to sleep deprivation and blows to the head).
So here it is. Consider Yourself Warned - P - Poop:
1. I already told you that will you find yourself acting excited to see toddler poop in a plastic potty someday. But it gets much worse – someday, you will be genuinely excited to see toddler poop in a plastic potty.
2. When you are a parent, there will be many years during which you will never be able to say with 100% certainty, “There is no poop in the living room right now.”
3. There will be times when you do not poop all day for the sole reason that there was no time.
<-- (maybe take some of your vacation time for this! ahahaha I crack myself up)
4. When you do make it to the bathroom, suddenly the fate of the world will hinge on your child speaking to you at exactly that moment. I don’t know what happens after your body has come to associate relieving itself with the sounds “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY SHE HIT ME” “SHEHITMEFIRST!!” “DID NOT!” “MOMMY OOWWWWW SHE’S HITTING ME MORE!!!” – and then all of a sudden, your kids are teenagers who have no desire to be anywhere near you at any time, let alone when you’re pooping. Are you even physically capable of pooping in peace at that point? I don’t know.
5. You will become capable of reacting to the phrase, “Mommy, I need to poop NOW” more quickly and with greater urgency than a counter-terror unit reacting to a ticking bomb.
I will call this guide "Consider Yourself Warned."
Since we were talking about poop, I'll start there, then proceed alphabetically into the realm of parenting knowledge (or what parenting knowledge I haven't forgotten due to sleep deprivation and blows to the head).
So here it is. Consider Yourself Warned - P - Poop:
1. I already told you that will you find yourself acting excited to see toddler poop in a plastic potty someday. But it gets much worse – someday, you will be genuinely excited to see toddler poop in a plastic potty.
2. When you are a parent, there will be many years during which you will never be able to say with 100% certainty, “There is no poop in the living room right now.”
3. There will be times when you do not poop all day for the sole reason that there was no time.
<-- (maybe take some of your vacation time for this! ahahaha I crack myself up)
4. When you do make it to the bathroom, suddenly the fate of the world will hinge on your child speaking to you at exactly that moment. I don’t know what happens after your body has come to associate relieving itself with the sounds “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY SHE HIT ME” “SHEHITMEFIRST!!” “DID NOT!” “MOMMY OOWWWWW SHE’S HITTING ME MORE!!!” – and then all of a sudden, your kids are teenagers who have no desire to be anywhere near you at any time, let alone when you’re pooping. Are you even physically capable of pooping in peace at that point? I don’t know.
5. You will become capable of reacting to the phrase, “Mommy, I need to poop NOW” more quickly and with greater urgency than a counter-terror unit reacting to a ticking bomb.
0.05 seconds later
I hope you have found this first foray into parenting educational. Stay tuned for Consider Yourself Warned part 2 - P - Princesses. (I semi-promise not to talk about bodily functions.)
You never know when it IS a ticking time..i mean poop-bomb
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